Life Lessons From Third-graders...

I'm caught off guard sometimes at the circumstances or people the Lord will use to teach or show me something He needs me to know. For instance, this past weekend He used a bunch of third graders, of all things. I often feel like God speaks to me through interactions I have with my own kids, so I guess it's no surprise that He'd use other children to do the same. This past weekend we had the first-time experience of hosting a sleepover for my nine-year-old daughter, Ivey. For her birthday, she thought it would be fun to have a bunch of friends over, with the addition of taking them all for a pedicure and to dinner at Ivey's favorite restaurant. It seemed completely doable for me--I mean, how hard could it be to deal with ten third graders? I already had half that number of children living with me all the time, so it didn't seem too daunting to have several more in our home for the night.

I must say, I had a ball watching those girls interact with each other. It was really so different from how Ivey interacts with her siblings, and I found it to be very interesting. There was so much laughter, singing, sharing, talking (LOTS of talking...), and helping one another, and it warmed my heart to see and hear such purity in theirs. At one point, one of the little girls came to me in tears because she couldn't manage to cheer up one of the other girls. It was precious.

There were other times, as I should have expected, when there was so much needless drama between them. At various times throughout the night there were hurt feelings, some anger, jealousy, and bad attitudes. It amazed me to see how quickly the atmosphere would shift from positive to negative, to positive again-sometimes in a matter of seconds! I never knew from one minute to the next who would be upset, and I must admit, towards the end of the evening it was beginning to wear on me. At one point it seemed like literally all of them were mad or up in the air about something, so I finally took matters into my own hands and called a meeting. I very firmly but gently looked at each one of them and told them that there was no reason for all of the conflict--that we all loved each other and loved Ivey, and that we needed to get along. I asked them if they agreed with me, and they said they did, and, much to my surprise, that was all it took. I couldn't believe it! That one mini-speech was all they needed, and after that there was no more conflict! It seemed so easy--too easy, in fact. For the remainder of the evening and on into the next morning, the girls were all the best of friends again. Everybody played with everybody, and I feel sure they all had a really good time.

So what did the Lord show me, then? Well, lots of things, really, but one thing in particular. I couldn't help but reflect upon how easy it was for those girls to get over being mad. It took so little for them to go from being so seemingly hurt, to being so fine and completely over it in no time. There was no bitterness, no grudge-holding, or anything like that. Just, "I'm sorry's" and "It's okay's." I wished in my heart that it could be that easy with adults, but it rarely is. There's so much anger and resentment among grownups, it seems...so much jealousy and envy. As adults I think there's a natural, even unintentional tendency to interject so many of our own issues (including those we're not even aware of) and past baggage into every negative situation, that they're often made way more difficult and harder to resolve. Children have such little life experience accompanied by their obvious immaturity, so of course their squabbles are of much lesser consequence. Even so, I couldn't and can't help but wish that everybody, young and old, could take such an approach to conflict resolution: I'm sorry. It's okay. I love you. The end.

I'll be very transparent with you here--this is an issue that hits very close to home for me. I very firmly believe that the Lord has been trying to show me for years how I need to be and think when in a conflict. I have literally fought God's Word on the matter ever since I got married, but I must say, it's been a losing battle. Conventional wisdom and all of Oprah's advice has led me completely astray, not surprisingly. I'm not saying that I'm now a master of conflict resolution...in fact, somedays it seems that I haven't learned one thing, especially when I give way to my flesh and stop walking in the Spirit. But here's what I know beyond a shadow of a doubt: whenever I manage to get myself out of the way, the road to resolution becomes so much shorter. Please don't misunderstand me here...I'm not implying that we shouldn't have feelings, shouldn't tell (some) people how we feel, or live in some kind of perpetual denial. I'm saying that when I have literally gotten over my own self and my own pride, times of conflict have become much less tumultuous. Easier said than done? You bet.

I recently read where a Christian author wrote, "God is faithful to plead our case and take up our cause, but only when we decide to cease representing ourselves in the matter..." That very statement goes directly against nearly everything we hear or read in the media nowadays. There's so much emphasis on "self" in these New Age times, and certainly in the matter of resolving conflict, it's absolutely essential, cleansing, and healing to make our cases known and heard, right? I will tell you, though, the times I have been the most frustrated and enmeshed in conflict with others are the times that I was the most determined to prove my case and take up my own cause. I've learned and am still learning that what I really need to do is take whatever it is I'm feeling to the Lord first. He always gives me direction from there. It may or may not be in anyone's best interest to say anything further about how upset I am, which is why it's always best to let God lead me on that. I have learned to trust Him to supply whatever resources I may need, people included, to help me deal with a particular situation or conflict. For one thing, some people just aren't always equipped to handle our feelings, especially the negative ones. Thankfully, we can't ever trip God up with those, no matter what they are! We can pour our hearts out to Him, just like David did in the Psalms. We can tell Him absolutely anything and empty ourselves of whatever negative feelings we may be having, so that He then can fill us up with Himself. Let's face it, if we're filled up with bitterness or jealousy, how can there be any room for His Spirit? He desires such intimacy with us as His children, so of course we have feelings. He gave them to us. I just think He's the main One with Whom we need to share a lot of them. He can totally handle it, and gladly does so.

Then, there's pride. I don't know if there's much more I need to say on that subject. Let me be clear, though...I hate pride. I hate my own pride, and I hate to see it in others. I pray against it every single day, I think. I become the most aware of my pride when Lee and I are in an argument. I'm ashamed to say that there have been way too many nights that we went to bed without saying a word because I was too prideful to tell him what was wrong with me, even when he'd ask a thousand times, "What's wrong? Are you okay?" Can anyone relate? I have needlessly made very small issues much bigger because of my own stupid pride...I get mad at myself just thinking about it. The same author I mentioned earlier also wrote, "The most effective means the enemy has to keep believers full of the Spirit is to keep us full of ourselves!" Isn't that the truth? We are only as full of His Spirit as we are yielded to His control, but often our pride keeps us from being yielded. And it's often our pride that keeps us in perpetual conflict. I can only imagine how much more quickly Lee and I could have resolved our problems if I had just stopped being so full of myself.

You know, I love Jesus and I love His Word. I am so comforted to know that I and all of us have it as an invaluable resource when it comes to knowing how to do "life." It will never fail any of us if we choose to obey it, and I know that for an absolute fact. Our ways just aren't as good as God's, even though at times our ways may seem easier. This morning when I took the children to school, I asked one of them to quote me a scripture verse. I did that because they were ALL arguing with one another (speaking of conflict), and driving me crazy. I thought reflecting on a Bible verse would help change the mood and give us all a little godly perspective. Noah very eagerly quoted from memory this very appropriate verse--

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Ephesians 4:2.

May the God of peace richly bless each of you and fill your lives to the fullness of His measure, and may He enable us to love Him and each other more than we love ourselves!